Bridget's Bane: A SciFi Alien Romance Read online

  "Food contest for the knives," I say. "Some of them are not good. You should go try them, though. I'm sure that would make Daisy happy."

  "Mm. No, I am full already." He pats his stomach, and that distracted look is still on his face. "I am taking a walk, I think. I have much on my mind." He pauses, studying me again. "Would…would you like to come with me?"

  He sounds curiously hesitant, as if he expects to be turned down but has to offer anyhow. I chew on my lip. Part of me wants to say yes, to just be around him and drink in his presence. To hear his laughter. Last night at the cave made me remember how exhilarating it is to be around him and to be the focus of his attention.

  But…I've given people enough to talk about today. And I do need to chat with Raven. I bite my lip and shake my head. "I'll pass."

  A'tam nods and turns away.

  Immediately, I regret my decision. He's being nice to me. Has been since last night, when we kissed and we could have had sex and I totally chickened out. He's with Daisy, anyhow. Even if they're being somewhat hush-hush about it, he's confessed that she sleeps with him. It'll be common knowledge before the week is out.

  Then, I'll be glad I didn't touch him. But today? Today I'm a mixture of regrets and longings. And stupidly, I still want him to choose me instead of Daisy.

  So even though I'm pretty sure I'll regret it later, I reach out and touch his arm, stopping him before he walks away. "Thank you for inviting me," I say softly. "And for the fur. It means a lot that you still think of me…especially after last night."

  He pauses, and the look in his eyes is heated. "I think of you every night. Not just last night."

  "Yes, but…last night was a mess," I fumble. "I'm just glad we can still be friends."

  "Friends," he says in a strange voice. "Yes."

  22

  BRIDGET

  I'm a little hurt by how he's acting, even though I shouldn't be. He's made it clear he doesn't want to be just friends, even as he takes Daisy to his bed. Well, he can't have it both ways. He walks away, saying nothing else. I hug my arms to my chest and head over to Raven and U'dron's hut and scratch at the door, waiting.

  "Come on in," Raven calls out.

  I peek my head through the double leather flap that acts as a door, smiling awkwardly at her. "It's me."

  Raven brightens, gesturing that I should join her. "Come sit! I was just heating up some tea. You want a seed cake?" She sits near the fire, poking at it with a stick. There's a tripod and pouch over the low flames, the scent of strong tea in the air. U'dron and Raven's hut is neat and tidy, her skinning implements hung in place along one wall. The floor is perfectly even and patterned, everything is in its place, from boots to furs to stored food, and it's clear that this hut is designed ten times better than A'tam's hasty one. I'm always amazed every time I see it that A'tam and U'dron came from the same tribe and yet had very different results when it comes to home building.

  I sink onto one of the stuffed oversized pillows next to the fire. It's filled with leather scraps, so it's not the same as sinking into a feather pillow, but it still feels good to collapse onto it. I'm strangely exhausted despite the fact that I just woke up from a nap not too long ago. "Just tea for me, I think. My stomach's a little upset from the food contest."

  "Ugh." She blanches, shaking her head. "That's why I'm hiding in here. I don't know how early pregnancy symptoms are supposed to show up, but the thought of eating badly cooked food makes me want to vomit." Her long, silky blonde hair is pulled into a loose braid and her lithe form is elegant, even as she leans over the fire. Raven is everything that would have made my mother happy, I realize. She's graceful and artistic, confident in herself and bold.

  She also doesn't have the obstinate streak I do, which just makes me sigh. "Where's U'dron today?"

  "Hunting. I mentioned I wanted a dvisti hide to work on and he's made that his goal today. He'll be back in time for dinner." A little smile curves her lips, and she looks so content I'm filled with envy. I'm glad for her, I really am. She resonated to U'dron, the guy she's liked for a while, and he adores her. They could not be happier.

  I'm thrilled for her, but it just makes me feel terrible, too, because it highlights how fucked up and miserable my situation is. Which, I suppose, is why I'm here. "Sorry I missed him," I say politely. "But I wanted to talk to you. I have to skip dancing lessons for the next while. Veronica told me to stay off my ankle for a bit." It's a lie. Just a flat out lie. But no amount of dancing is going to turn me into Raven or make things go right with A'tam, so I'm giving up. "Actually, I think I'm going to throw in the towel on the dancing entirely," I joke. "I'm wasting both of our time."

  Raven watches me with a curious look, as if she can see right through me and the bright smile I wear. "Are you okay? I heard you were out with A'tam last night. I don't want to pry, but…you don't look happy this morning."

  I lick my lips, trying to think of a sufficiently jaunty response, something that will make her laugh and distract her from my true feelings…but I've got nothing. "It didn't go well."

  "Do you want to talk about it?"

  I don't. I really don't. But somehow I find myself spilling all the details out to Raven anyhow. How it was supposed to be innocent and ended up with me topless and us kissing. How he wanted to do more and I pulled away. "He's hooking up with Daisy now, so I shouldn't want him," I moan to Raven, my hands over my face. "I sure shouldn't want him after having sex with him and knowing how wrong we are for each other but…I can't seem to stop thinking about him. I can't seem to stop wanting him, even though I know I can't have him."

  "He's the reason why you're learning to dance, right? Isn't that what you told me?" There's no judgment in Raven's tone.

  I nod miserably.

  "So you've been thinking about him for a while now then. But you said the sex was bad?"

  I hug my knees to my chest, tucking myself into a ball as I sit in front of the fire. The tea is forgotten, but I don't mind. I want to get all of this out of my head before I forget any of it. "Flirting with A'tam is like…the best thing ever. I've never felt so much. I've never liked anyone as much as I like him, even his silly moments. Even when he's being thick-headed. I just like being with him." I sigh. "But all that flirting and I decided we should hook up, you know? He was hinting at it for forever, being a man, and I thought it might be fun. And the kissing was great but the actual sex was…bad. Really, really bad." I've told her this before, but there are parts I haven't shared. Parts that are killing me to share, and yet if I do, I worry that…she's going to laugh at me. That she's going to use it against me if we fight. "I just…can't do it."

  "He's a man," Raven says, her voice teasing. "And it's entirely possible it was his first time. Did you tell him you didn't enjoy it?"

  "I thought it was pretty obvious."

  "But maybe it wasn't?" Raven prompts. "They're a different people than we are. Maybe no one had 'the talk' with him. Maybe their beliefs were different. If you're not enjoying yourself, it's up to you to point that out."

  I lick my lips. She makes it sound so logical. "There are…things…I can't point out."

  "Like what?"

  I give her a worried look. I desperately want to trust someone. God, someone. I want to talk to someone about this, to know I'm not crazy. But I keep hearing my mother's voice in my head, her sneering laughter. Her telling me how weak and pathetic I was every time I cried. It's hard for me to open up to anyone at all. I'd rather make jokes, even if they're at my own expense.

  "You can tell me," Raven says in a gentle voice. She reaches a hand out and squeezes my shoulder. "I'm not going to shame you if you're into anything deviant or unusual. And I'm good at keeping secrets, remember?"

  "His dick's too big," I blurt out. "And I'm too small. Downstairs."

  Raven's brows furrow. "Too small? Like medically, you've been diagnosed?"

  "Well, no." I feel like I'm dying inside as I'm forced to explain. Every bit of me is so tense and brittle I
feel as if I'm going to snap. I white-knuckle-grip my legs to my chest. "He's about the same size as everyone else, right? I've seen several of the men naked. They're all bigger than human men, but no one else is complaining. I think I'm just…too small." I fan my face, close to panting. "Is it hot in here? I feel like it's hot."

  "You're sweating. Are you okay?"

  "No," I say, and my laughter sounds shrill even to my own ears. "I'm losing my damn mind, thanks for asking."

  "Okay, first of all, calm down." Raven's voice is soothing. "Lie back on the floor and relax, all right? I don't like the color of your face." I do as she asks, and then she gestures in the air. "Take a deep, calming breath. In and out. Just focus on breathing right now."

  I close my eyes—didn't realize how many spots were swimming in front of my vision—and take several deep breaths. I feel a little better after a few minutes pass. "Th-thank you. I think I just got all worked up."

  "Sex is a big deal to a lot of people," Raven says calmly. "I'm guessing you've got some sort of hang-up in your past that's making you stress like this." When I open my mouth to speak, she just puts a hand on my shoulder again. "You don't have to tell me. I don't want to know. Just keep on breathing. Nice and slow. There you go." She smiles at me. "Look, everyone comes here with baggage, all right? Even Daisy, who acts like she's thrilled to be here, is carrying around a lifetime of baggage and emotional distress. It doesn't all have to be unloaded. If you feel better holding onto it, do that until you're ready. Lord knows I understand. But I do want to say a few things before you beat yourself up for having the world's tightest vagina."

  A hysterical, ridiculous little laugh escapes me. "Okay."

  "Here's the thing." Raven's voice is soothing and calm. "You know how people say it's not the size of the boat, it's the motion in the ocean? It's true. He could have the world's smallest dick, but if he knows how to get you off, it won't matter. It goes for the other side, too. If he has an abnormally enormous cock, it's his responsibility—and yes, I'm using the word ‘responsibility’—to make sure that you're wet enough and ready to take him. I mean, for fuck's sake, we have babies come out of our bodies. You think your pussy can't handle a big dick? I call bullshit on that."

  I…didn't think of it that way.

  And now I feel stupid. All the stressing I've been doing, all the worry that I'm the mutant with the too-small snatch that can't handle alien cock and of course it can. "Oh…"

  She pats my shoulder again. "If it hurt or it wasn't pleasant, there are ways to go around things. You can do lots of foreplay until you're absolutely dripping. You can use lube if that doesn't happen for you. You can put a pillow under your hips, or you can try different positions. But do you know what the common denominator is here?"

  "Fluid?" I joke, feeling flushed and silly and more than a little stupid.

  "Try 'communication,'" Raven says flatly. "If you don't tell him what he's doing wrong, how's he ever going to know how to please you?"

  I lick my lips. Try to think of something to say. Instead, I just clam up. "I…I'm sorry?"

  She huffs out a laugh. "Don't apologize to me, girlfriend. I'm not the one you're leaping into bed with. And before you think I'm blaming you—I'm not. It takes two to tango. He needs to stop and ask his partner what she likes. And you need to learn to speak up." Her face brightens. "But I think I know just what you need."

  "You do?" I swear to god, I'm going to die if she comes back with the ice planet version of a dildo so I can learn how to pleasure myself. I will just sink right through the floorboards of this hut and melt into the sand.

  "Yep. Wait right here, okay?" She pats my arm. "Stay on your back and keep breathing. I'll be right back." Raven ducks out of the hut and her feet crunch on the sands as she walks away.

  I try to think of what it is she's off to go get. A prop of some kind, I'm convinced. Some sort of sex toy or a native lubricant or something. Which just makes this all the more embarrassing. I've never thought of myself as a prude before. I've had sex before I arrived here. Maybe not in great quantity, but enough to know that sex could feel good and be fun and…

  …and yet I'm the dumbass that's been wandering around for weeks thinking my vagina's the size of a coin purse instead of a handbag. I put a hand to my forehead. Definitely not one of my better moments. Of course my body can accommodate a larger dick. It can carry an ice-planet sized baby, after all. Liz has had three of them, Harlow two, and Veronica had an enormous dragon-baby in three damn months…and not a single person has complained about their mate having an enormous appendage. If anything, everyone jokes about the sex being too good.

  Yeah, what a problem. Gee, poor things.

  Now I feel like an idiot for blurting out all my problems to Raven. She didn't laugh at me, but I still feel like the world's biggest loser. In her eyes, all I have to do is sit down with A'tam and have a rational conversation with him about how he should use his dick on me. She doesn't realize how hard it is for me to speak up at all. Asking for help is bad enough as it is. Asking for help in bed? I might as well give up on that idea, because I know I'll never be able to utter the words. My mother's polluted my mind too much.

  Just tell him how to touch me. She might as well tell me to jump off a cliff, because the odds of both happening are about the same. I don't think I've ever spoken up in bed. I just always hoped my partner would know enough to get me off, and if he didn't…well, the relationship usually ended pretty quick.

  I know myself pretty well. I know I can make a decent trap, I can catch a fish, I can work all night on a damn pot and not be defeated if it breaks, I can joke and tease with the best of them…but I also know I can't speak up in bed. It feels like asking for a favor and pointing out that the other person is doing something wrong, and that just goes against everything that I am. Everything that my mother taught me to be.

  I'm the problem.

  The door to the hut opens again and I sit up in surprise as Raven and Steph enter. I give Steph an uneasy look, my skin prickling. Did Raven tell her my problems? What—

  "Before you freak out," Raven says, "I brought Steph but I haven't told her anything. But I'm confident she knows exactly what you need."

  "She…does?" My voice squeaks with alarm.

  "Yeah," Raven says. "You need therapy. Couples therapy."

  23

  A'TAM

  I cannot stop thinking about Shail's words of advice. That I have been unfair to B'shit in pretending a flirtation with D'see. That I have done this deliberately to hurt her and to make her question how she feels. That I would not like it if the situation were reversed and B'shit was with another male simply to snub me.

  The thought fills me with a helpless sort of rage, and so I know Shail must be right.

  I do not like discovering that I have been cruel. For so long, I have blamed B'shit for not knowing what she wants. In truth, I am just as much to blame as she is. I have been just as stubborn. I have been just as selfish. It is a strange thing to realize, and I take to the edge of the water, needing space away from the others. I work on nets while the weather is warm. It allows me to sit apart from the group and lets me focus my mind even as my hands weave and repair automatically. I work, the waves crashing against the nearby rocks, and I think about B'shit. I play our conversations through my mind, over and over again. How upset she gets when we argue in front of others. How she tightens up and refuses to speak, or to ask for help, when she is distressed.

  I think about her softness, too. Her bright laughter when I say something funny, her smile and the way her eyes shine when she is excited. I think of her enthusiasm for her clay pots and the plans she has if she can just figure out a way to make them work. I think of last night in the cave, too, when she was soft and yielding, and then something flashed in her eyes and she pulled away from me.

  She is confusing, my B'shit, but I have no doubt that I want her. I worry I have pushed her away with my games, and that is why her eyes are full of hurt when she looks at m
e.

  "Hey there," calls a familiar voice. "What are you doing?"

  I fight back a groan of dismay as D'see comes to the rocks and sits next to me. I cannot be cruel to her, though. D'see has been a friend, even if her plans are not good ones. I keep working on my nets, weaving and braiding, because nets are always in need. They break easily and the leather straps get bloated, so net-making is a constant task. Luckily it is one I enjoy, most times. "I am making a new net," I say, even though it is obvious. "And I am thinking."

  "Ooooh, don't hurt yourself," D'see teases. She drops next to me on the rocks and watches me work. "The food contest is finished, by the way. We came in third. We're still in the running, at least. R'jaal and I'rec are out. They weren't too happy. I think I'rec is trying to convince Bek and Elly to trade with them, but Bek isn't interested. He wants a knife for Elly. That's sweet, isn't it?" She sighs. "He's the hunter but he wants a better knife for his woman, because he worries skinning is too hard on her wrists." And she sighs again.

  I suspect she wishes for me to ask why she is sighing, but I say nothing. I just keep working on my nets. I want to think about B'shit some more, but it is difficult when D'see is distracting me.

  "Do you think I'll resonate soon?" D'see finally asks. Her voice is sad. "I thought it'd happen right away when I got here, like it did for Mardok and Farli, but I don't seem to be having any luck."

  "You act as if you do not care who you resonate to," I say. "Perhaps your khui is waiting for your heart to choose a mate before it decides to sing."

  "That's just it," D'see says. "What's the point of falling in love if my khui is going to make the decision? I want it to choose so I can fall in love. I'm ready to be the light of someone's life. It sounds silly, I know, but after years of feeling like an afterthought…I just want something of my own." She curls up, staring out at the waves.